Update:
Thanks for all the great feedback. I felt it was only right to update this post with the final version of my query:
I've recently finished polishing my middle grade novel, SUPER ZOMBIE JUICE MEGA BOMB (34,000 words), which I hope might interest you.
When life gives you lemons, kill zombies--turns out lemon juice neutralizes the undead.
After a failed attempt at running away, best friends Nathan and Misty return home expecting to face angry parents. Instead, they discover the military has destroyed the bridges out of their rural town and everyone's fled--except a small horde of the living dead. If zombie neighbors aren't bad enough, they soon discover a flock of 'flying dead' chickens.
Even with the help of the town geek and lemonade-powered Super-Soakers, there's not enough time to squeeze their way out of this sticky mess. Unless the trio eradicates the zombie infestation, while avoiding the deadly zombie snot, the military will blow the town, and them, to pulp.
Their only shot is something with a lot more punch. Something like the Super Zombie Juice Mega Bomb. Just one problem: Someone has to lure the zombies into the trap.
I have worked as a technical writer and have had success writing and selling short stories for children. Included at the bottom of this e-mail are my first five pages. My complete manuscript is available on request. Thank you for your time and consideration.
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I've been working on this on and off for 6 months or so (while polishing the novel). I'm starting the agent hunt before all the NaNo manuscripts hit next month. So I think, it's finally time to post it. Any feedback is welcome. I think it's ready to go, but I'm not above listening to suggestions.
After a failed attempt at running away, best friends Nathan and Misty return home expecting to face angry parents. Instead, they discover the military has destroyed the bridges out of their rural town and everyone's fled--except a small horde of the living dead.
If zombie neighbors aren't bad enough, there's the flock of 'flying dead' chickens, or even scarier, learning chemistry from their undead math teacher--and don't forget the deadly zombie snot.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Good advice: Turns out lemon juice neutralizes the undead. Even with the help of the town geek and lemonade-powered Super-Soakers, there's not enough time to squeeze their way out of this sticky mess. Unless the trio eradicates the zombie infestation, the military will blow the town, and them, to pulp.
Their only shot is something with a lot more punch. Something like the Super Zombie Juice Mega Bomb. Just one problem: Someone has to lure the zombies into the trap.
This is your query letter, right? Sounds AWESOME--seriously, this is the kind of book that would get my reluctant-reader stepson to crack open a middle grade novel. Looks great. If I had one suggestion it would be taking out the "or scarier" part in the second paragraph:
ReplyDeleteIf zombie neighbors aren't bad enough, there's the flock of 'flying dead' chickens, learning chemistry from their undead math teacher, and massive amounts of deadly zombie snot to deal with.
Or something like that.
I'm so excited for the requests to come rolling in on this :)
Thanks for the feedback Jess. After reading it aloud I might just do that.
ReplyDeleteIn fact, I never really like the second paragraph... Oh, no I better watch out or I might just re-write the whole thing =-)
This sounds great! Great sounding query letter. Love all your play on words with the whole lemon theme. Such a fun sounding book. Can't imagine an agent not requesting a partial or full based on this letter. Best of luck to you.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, not sure if you already belong to Absolute Write or a similar site, but they have a special thread in the Share Your Work forum called QLH (Query Letter Hell--but don't let the name scare you!). Anyway, you could post your query letter there if you are interested in more wonderful feedback from some people who really know the deal regarding query letter writing. Just a thought. GL :-)
ReplyDeleteThis is an awesome query letter. I may be bias though, because I pretty much love anything zombie related. =)
ReplyDeleteJennifer, I love zombies too. When I started this I didn't even know zombies were considered 'high concept'.
ReplyDeleteMelanie, That's excellent advice. This has been through several rounds on QLH. It lived up to it's name, but I learned a lot from it!
My comment... er
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like the kids are trying to get home and all the bridges are gone so they can't actually cross them. So how do they get home?
just re-arranging that may help.
I wouldn't worry about rushing your query letter because of NaNo. If writers are submitting manuscripts that are 50k words without editing them properly first, the chances of an agent picking them up are slim. I asked an agent and he said there was no different in December queries from any other month.
ReplyDeleteVery funny query. The voice comes through in it.
Hi there - first of all, wanted to thank you for following my blog. You've helped me get 1 follower closer to the big 1-0!! :)
ReplyDeleteAnd what a fun story concept!! Neutralizing the undead with lemonade? There's an angle I've never heard before - that's great! I agree with some - I'd nix the "if Zombie neighbors" paragraph entirely, actually. You've got your into and then the last two paragraphs with the lemon play on words - that the "undead chickens" seemed a little out of place. Just my humble opinion. And Che brought up a good question.
But - the voice is clear, the concept is fun! Minor tweaking and you're gold! :) Good luck with this.
Thanks for everyone's feedback. I'm going to try to work the middle paragraph into the rest of the query.
ReplyDeleteSounds like a fun story! Good luck with everything.
ReplyDeleteHi MJA - I'm writing a zombie one too. Zombies are so fun. Good luck with your work.
ReplyDeleteI found your site today and joined. I'll be back to read about you journey. Until then, Happy Writing.
Great letter, strong voice. Good luck with the story. And BTW I have a blogging award for you over on my blog.
ReplyDeleteOne Writer's Mind
http://www.onewritersmind.blogspot.com
But why did they run away in the first place? As fun as your story sounds, I think you left a huge question there. Certainly there is an intriguing reason that would add depth to your characters.
ReplyDeleteI think you need a stronger opening hook to make an agent keep reading. Why they ran away might be it.
I can recognize the post-Query Hell polish! I think this sounds great, both the concept and the query. Good luck, and see you in the query trenches!
ReplyDelete